Mothertime
by melanie39
Summary: A missing scene one shot set at the point where Kirsten is stripping Ryan's bed at the end of the finale season 1. The Ties That Bind.


So this is a one shot reflection on Kirsten's thoughts as she is stripping the bed in the Poolhouse after Ryan leaves. I am assuming at this point that she has not discovered that Seth has also left.

Mothertime 

She stripped the bed of its sheets and drew them up to her face. She breathed in the smell,

Ryan's smell, teenage boy, soap, deodorant, shampoo. She hadn't anticipated this wave

of grief that engulfed her.

She sat, hugging the sheets to her like a child hugs a security blanket, and let the tears fall.

This abandoned boy, this young man, whom she had so bitterly resisted getting to know

twelve months ago, had stolen her heart.

She knew why she had resisted. This boy could have been her child, the child she gave up

all those years ago. He was a little young admittedly, only Seth's age, but he always

seemed older, more knowing, more adult. And her child, for some reason she'd always

thought of it as a boy, would only have been a couple of years older.

She'd never been able to tell Sandy about the baby. The secret had sat in the pit of her

stomach for months afterwards, until it had turned into a dull ache in her heart. She'd

always thought she'd done the right thing. And she still thought so, even told Theresa so.

But that didn't take away the pain of knowing what she'd lost.

And now, here she was again, reliving her nightmares and losing another child. Because

Ryan was her child now. Despite her best intentions, keeping her distance, letting Sandy

be the parent, she had gradually let those barriers down, and so had he, and he had fitted

into their family in a way she would have thought would be impossible.

When Sandy had brought Ryan home that first night she'd been horrified. She was proud

of Sandy and the difference he tried to make in these kids lives. But that didn't give him

the right to start dragging them off the streets into her home. Her life was evenly

balanced, carefully planned and thought out. Perfect in every way. There was no room

for unpredictability or sudden change. And this kid had unpredictability written all over

him.

Hadn't she been proved right after the first night, when Seth had come home drunk and

battered and bruised?

Hadn't she been proved right when he burned down the Model Home?

She had tried so hard to show Sandy how mad she had been. Their relationship at the

time, not so perfect she now realized, was already strained by the presence of Jimmy and

Rachel. She didn't want this kid to be part of their lives. She wanted him back in Chino

where he belonged, with his own mother and his own family. She didn't want to share

hers.

But Sandy and Seth were a powerful force when they got together and Seth, with his

constant berating, had won her over like he always could. She doubted if Ryan would

ever have returned to them if Seth had not insisted, pestered and threatened her to take

him to Juvie to see Ryan.

She remembered the aggression and tension in the visiting hall, testosterone hanging

heavily in the air. In his faded blue jump suit, he'd looked smaller than most, and

although he'd hidden it well, she knew he was scared. That was why it had touched her

so when he'd tried to defend her, this kid with nothing, had put his life on the line out of

loyalty to her. She wasn't sure even Seth would have done that for her.

And from that moment on, she'd treated him like her own. At first she had focused on his

physical needs, new clothes, schoolbooks, feeding him enough. Because she could do

that easily, and it required no emotional investment from her.

But then it had changed. After Dawn had abandoned him for a second time, she could no

longer hold him at a distance. She would forever be haunted by the look in his eyes as

his mother got into the taxi that last time he'd seen her. No matter how many times she

mulled that scene over and over in her mind, she just could not grasp how his mother

could do what she did. Now she knew Ryan better, she understood even less. What had

made this woman leave an insecure but also loving, bright child alone?

She had begun to treat him like she treated Seth. Wanting to know about his schoolwork,

how he was getting along at soccer and hurting along with him when Marissa dumped

him and he was suspended from school.

When Theresa had announced she was pregnant, and it was obvious that Ryan was a

contender for father, she felt she'd let him down. She should have been more forceful

with Sandy when she'd stumbled upon him and Marissa making out in the Pool house.

She should have made sure he had the knowledge he needed to avoid a situation like this.

She'd agreed with Sandy at the time, that Ryan looked like he knew what he was doing.

But she should have reminded herself that he was a teenage boy, a boy with raging

hormones who would not always think with his head.

She shouldn't have tried to forget about it because it was uncomfortable to talk about to a

teenage boy. And not even your own teenage boy at that.

When Ryan had returned with Seth last night from the beach, she could tell immediately

that something had happened between them. Seth would barely acknowledge Ryan as he

headed off for bed. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were full of hurt. Ryan had

hung his head low, avoiding everyone's eyes. But when Seth had disappeared he'd

spoken very quietly, hesitantly.

"I need to talk to you guys"

Sandy had quickly drawn up some chairs at the table and they had sat down, the three of

them.

"I need to go back." He put it as simply as he could. He never wasted words.

Sandy had done his best to talk sense into him. They'd argued, cajoled, threatened, but

none of it had made any difference. Ryan had made up his mind. He needed to do this.

He knew there was nothing they could really do legally. He'd served his probation and

even though they were still his legal guardians, it wouldn't be long before he was

eighteen and then they'd have no rights upon how he lived his life.

In the end they'd had to let him do this. She and Sandy had stayed up long into the night,

holding each other, trying to come up with a plan to keep him in Newport. But in the end

they'd decided it was fruitless. They needed to let him do this. And if he returned, then it

should be because he wanted to and not because he was forced.

So now she had lost two children. One natural child she'd never had the chance to love

and one adopted child she'd given that love to instead. And she sobbed bitter tears for

them both.

The End


End file.
